and I'm fasting. The Day of Atonement is the most important day in the Jewish year - a day for self-sacrifice, contemplation and renewal. We make amends to others and to God and particularly to ourselves for our shortcomings, misdeeds and our spiritual weakness. Indeed, it is a day of perfecting ourselves and forgiveness much like working the Fourth and Fifth Steps in AA. I'm completely at home in these steps.
In the past few years, I was not well enough to fast, but this year I am, and I'm doing so with gratitude. I have much to be grateful for. My life is good and my spirits are high. I have a beautiful home, and a wonderful garden that I enjoy. Although I'm not rich, I have enough money to live in modest comfort and I have good friends to share my comforts with. My daughter, Maya, is doing well in her life with a very fine career and outstanding academic achievements. She has found love and stability with a kind and decent young man and they are both really fine and good human beings.
My great joy in life has always been my cottage, and it continues to provide retreat and happiness. I am grateful as well for my ability to still do meaningful work, provide assistance to the arts and cultural community and for rediscovering my creative muse. I'm painting and sculpting again and had my first exhibition in forty years. I'm aiming for another in a year or two.
There are so many pleasures and interests that keep me going - my love of nature and wildlife never deserts me. My latest cat, Willy brings me love and laughter daily and I have hope and anticipations for another spring. My gardener's optimism always keeps me planning for the future and I'm grateful for it.
There are things I could do better and lost opportunities I wish I could recover. I will never stop wondering what my role was in Suzanne's abrupt severing of our long friendship. I could have tried harder to discover why, but wasn't I perhaps relieved to be quit of her? Couldn't I be less self-indulgent and live with fewer things? Wouldn't this beloved planet of ours be in better shape if we all lived more simply and I should set a better example in my own life. I have too much stuff. I could also try harder to see Julie more. I used to see her once a month and now it has slipped away to once quarterly. Or is my absence justified as a form of self preservation? It's not just Jerzy's nastiness that keeps me away, it's also Julie. I can't bear watching her decline. She, whom I love above all friends, is slipping away. Conversations with her are now becoming frustrating. I suspect I'm being cowardly. When I confront her growing confusion, I confront my own fears. I must try harder because she derives so much pleasure from seeing me. So continues my contemplation and now I must decide to try to make some changes.
Soon it will be sundown and I can eat again. Let us hope that as my hunger is satisfied, I will also sustain my self-awareness and my gratitude.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference.
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About Me
- kingmisha
- I'm bigger than a pile of breadboxes, but smaller than a Sherman tank. I'm overeducated, underpaid but very content with my life. I have loved infrequently but intensely. I dated a poet, divorced a Dean, had an affair with a jazz pianist, was engaged to a diplomat, and widowed by my child's father. The men in my life were all very special. Not all grand passions but much loved in their time: Leonard Cohen, Alfred Pinsky, Billy Horn, Wendell Goodin, and Elliot Hirschman. Thanks for the memories... I'm a lapsed artist which doesn't really trouble me because I'm a very successful parent. I lacked the requisite conceit to persevere as an artist. I just couldn't make myself believe that my art came before my child. The world really doesn't need another sculptor (even a good one), but it does need another good human being. It can use all the good human beings we can turn out. I present Mambolica as my evidence so judge for yourselves.