On June 13, I wrote about the disappointments of old age, particularly when it comes to relationships with men. I don't mean romantic relationships so much as warm and reciprocal friendships. I shared my thoughts and feelings about being invisible at precisely that time in life when we are most interesting. Joking about it and accepting the reality doesn't make my invisibility any less painful. So just imagine how wonderful it was to be able to talk about my family history, and tell some of the stories that made the Hogenkamps special. To be interviewed for a documentary film about a seminal period in our lives, was exhilarating and very validating. For three hours yesterday, I was not invisible and I was able to share some important details about life under the Nazi occupation of Holland. Thank you Lloyd Walton for being so interested, and inviting my recollections into your film. Thank you for making this film about Holland and the Canadians. Being part of it made me feel very proud of my Dutch heritage and my Canadian heritage. I have the best of both worlds.
Yesterday I also had a reminder of just how unimportant my friendship is to others. In my June 13 post, I discussed the amazing rediscovery of my very first boyfriend all these years later. He found me at a difficult time in his life. His wife was dying of Cancer, and he was dealing with that and ultimately, her death. Finding me must have provided a needed distraction from the pain and loss he was feeling. We corresponded regularly and I tried to help him deal with his different stages of grief. He approached me, and I welcomed him back into my life with no expectations except friendship. After all, we had both survived some serious personal struggles.
He came to see me and we visited together, pleased in each other's company after so long. We exchanged a few more emails and he just drifted away. I made the effort to keep the dialogue going, but eventually decided that I had served my purpose. I had provided a fantasy briefly, that bridged his transition from being a couple to living alone, and now he's moved on.
Yesterday I received a curt change of address notification with no comment or greeting. He has moved his life to Cornwall, Ontario without a bye or leave. It was insulting really.
I know I shouldn't be resentful, but I'm definitely hurt. He decided that my friendship wasn't worth his effort, and in his moving on, I wasn't worth more than a change of address notice. I wouldn't have done that to him if the situation was reversed. I really valued his return to my life and believed he held me in similar esteem. It appears that I was mistaken, and sadly, that will be his loss.
In one day I experienced the Yin and Yang of being human, being old and being a woman.
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About Me
- kingmisha
- I'm bigger than a pile of breadboxes, but smaller than a Sherman tank. I'm overeducated, underpaid but very content with my life. I have loved infrequently but intensely. I dated a poet, divorced a Dean, had an affair with a jazz pianist, was engaged to a diplomat, and widowed by my child's father. The men in my life were all very special. Not all grand passions but much loved in their time: Leonard Cohen, Alfred Pinsky, Billy Horn, Wendell Goodin, and Elliot Hirschman. Thanks for the memories... I'm a lapsed artist which doesn't really trouble me because I'm a very successful parent. I lacked the requisite conceit to persevere as an artist. I just couldn't make myself believe that my art came before my child. The world really doesn't need another sculptor (even a good one), but it does need another good human being. It can use all the good human beings we can turn out. I present Mambolica as my evidence so judge for yourselves.