Friendship. Can we ever get it right?

I had another interrupted conversation with Julie today. It can't be a coincidence that Jerzy always needs to go out or do something just when I call, and Julie has to lie down. She was so glad to talk to me, and we were having a sensible conversation when she said, "I'm tired and must lie down". I said ok, but then she kept on talking, sounding not at all tired. We talked for another while, when suddenly she said, "Jerzy needs to go out and I have to go now". Out of the blue, the conversation was over.

In thinking about this later, I suspect that he must have wandered off the first time so Julie got an extension on her talk time. Then he came back and the conversation was over. She mentioned that he had been hovering around and showing impatience. Things are not so good at their house. Julie seems to be more and more isolated. I think I'll go for a short visit next week. I won't sleep over but just go for the day. This is worrisome but there is not much I can do. So I'll prepare myself for another unpleasant encounter with Jerzy and hope I can make Julie happy.

Friendship comes with a price and sometimes its a high one. Some part of the self has to be given over to the needs of the other. This works well as long as the benefits one derives are equal to the personal sacrifice. It's when the benefits decrease and the sacrifices are disproportionately uncomfortable that the friendship is tested. Sometimes it is memories of better times or gratitude for past gifts that sustain the friendship. If those feelings are strong enough loyalty sustains an imbalanced friendship. Such is the case with Julie. But, apparently that is not the case with Suzanne.

The situation with Suzanne is more ambiguous and in retrospect was never really equal. We had done a lot to help each other over some difficult years but with a lot of self-interest being the driver. Suzanne, I always suspected, saw herself as superior - more talented, more inspired, and emotionally stronger. I had more advantages with jobs, money, life skills etc. but Suzanne never really respected those things. My advantages were useful, but not the right stuff. I'm only guessing now, because I can't really get a good read on her. Her struggles, her stresses, and her achievements were important. Mine somehow, not so much. I recognize now that Suzanne was the center of our friendship. As long as all eyes were on her things went well. For all her pride, her misfortunes were always front and center.

Even way back she could be treacherous. We sometimes worked together in the cutting room - she as editor and I as assistant editor or as production manager on her clients' projects. Sometimes the pay was bad and the hours worse but the film was something we believed in. Credits were often the most important motivation. Twice Suzanne removed my name from the credits to save the client title fees. In one case the producer cut me because I had rejected his advances. She didn't know his real reason because she never consulted me. So I always kept her far away from my clients because she couldn't be trusted not to undermine me. That should have been a clue. Just call me clueless.

Over all the years, she never hesitated to call me to discuss her situation. It didn't matter what I was experiencing, if she needed my help or advice, she called me. I can remember many many times when the conversation never included a 'how are you Claire'. Mostly it was all about her.
To be fair, she did help when Elliot died. She secured the funeral home and arranged for his cremaines to be sent to Toronto. When Alfred died, she helped me clean his apartment, and she made his cemetery arrangements on my behalf. The help she gave Don after Alfred's death was admirable, but I will always feel she had a personal agenda. She deliberately tried to violate my memory of Alfred. She had gone through all his personal letters and stuff and would insinuate that she knew stuff that tarnished his memory. I found it very unpleasant and told her that I didn't want to hear those revelations. It was none of her business how Alfred lived and how we felt about each other.

Don was greatly impressed with her and because he is blind, he relied on her help. It was kind of her, but I suspect he was the agenda. She now has Don's undying gratitude and when he can no longer function I'll bet she will run his affairs. Everyone is useful to Suzanne and if they are not, she won't linger with them long. Suzanne is a fascinating woman, strong, unyielding and unable to compromise. She severs relationships rather than seek the compromise and she severed ours abruptly, when I was ill, and without explanation. Apparently, a 39 year friendship didn't merit the respect of an explanation in the end.

Did it hurt? You bet it did. In retrospect I realize that I don't miss her even a little. I don't miss her narcissism and insensitivity at all. Maya always said that she didn't like Suzanne and felt that Suzanne was a control freak. Maya particularly disliked the imbalance in our relationship and called her an emotional taker. Maya is perceptive, and I think she may be right.

Suzanne prides herself on her ethics but it really is her blind spot. Every time M. a mutual friend, sends me greetings via Suzanne, she never tells him that she is no longer in contact with me. She lets him believe that I'm still on the board of the NGO she runs. She needs him. He is a respected adviser that I brought to the organization. He only learned of the schism while visiting me. That he was allowed to assume I was still involved, really disturbed him. How ethical is that, I'm wondering.

I guess what I'm grappling with is the tenuous nature of friendship. Even at seventy, I still can't seem to figure it out. We are social beings and need each other, but betray and damage each other ad infinitum. We bring to others the sum total of our experiences wrapped up in various defenses and strategies and agendas. Some of us have been badly battered along life's path and yet we still try to connect with others. It's a bloody miracle that we connect at all and even more so when we are able to sustain a friendship. I guess we keep trying because we hope that this time we'll get it right.