Oh what strange fate is now upon me.

What follows just came in from a dear friend and I'm in a quandary as to what I should do. I have made some deft edits to keep the identities of all involved private. I'm posting it in this journal as an interesting continuance to my last post. This is the Suzanne I was writing about. This is her admission to M that she and I are no longer in touch. She intimates that the reasons for the rift are complicated and they surely must be because if she had a stroke after our breakup and never contacted me, she really didn't want me to know. I would have been the first person she would have turned to since I too had to come back from a stroke. She knows me well, and would have known I'd be down there to help her in a nano-second rift or no rift. So she chose not to tell me. What could I have possibly done to elicit such an intense anger? I sincerely hope she is making a good recovery and is getting the help she needs. At this point in time, I don't know what I can, or should do. Do I call her and risk another angry rejection? Do I just let it go, and act as if I don't know? I really am very confused not only about what I should do, but also about my emotional response. I'm coldly detached but angry as well. A part of me says she was never there for my illnesses and another part says, that's no excuse for not reaching out to her. I need to think deeply and seek some guidance. In the end it comes down to, what can I live with? That is the pressing question.

Shalom Claire:

May you be inscribed in the Book of Life for the coming year … geez that sounds pompous!

Anyways, hoping that you are happy and healthy.

I very, very,very ,very rarely do this, but I am sending you copy of an e-mail exchange between Suzanne and myself.

Best

M. S.

Hello M,

Just a quick note and an update. Your colleague wrote us about writing an article for you At that time, (middle of August) I put her on our mailing lists so that she would know what it is we actually do. In the last week or so, I spoke to her again about what schedule she might be on. But since that time, I have had second thoughts about whether or not any publicity is a good idea.

First, something I haven't mentioned. For some complicated reasons, I haven't maintained my relationship with Claire since May of 2009. Also in late June of that same year I had a stroke and almost closed down FP altogether. As it turned out, something in me continued to want to get up, go to the computer, and continue sending out the human rights "news." So I have continued to do so, but no longer raise any money or receive any kind of salary. Now I'm just doing it because I still can, and because it still needs to be done. We also continue to get emails from all over the world every month that our work is appreciated. That being said, F P is no longer an entity that can be relied on. It takes a back burner to my recovery, which is going well, but damage is still there. My left hand has an electrical energy of its own now and even a tiny email like this one is difficult to accomplish, and full, full, full of corrections. So I am thinking that it would be better not to call attention to an organization which may or may not continue, my health permitting.

That being said, this news is not common knowledge. The Board and I have agreed to just more or less restrict what is done to the mailings, and the mailings continue to give me strength and purpose. Sorry I took so long to let you know, and hope you will understand. Getting old is turning out to be no joke. Also, a big thank-you for your help at the beginning when we were just getting ready to fly. Your critical analyses of certain papers at that time were very helpful, and gave me the courage to get up and go. I remain and will remain quite grateful.

Best wishes and hopes that all is well with you,

Suzanne

Friendship. Can we ever get it right?

I had another interrupted conversation with Julie today. It can't be a coincidence that Jerzy always needs to go out or do something just when I call, and Julie has to lie down. She was so glad to talk to me, and we were having a sensible conversation when she said, "I'm tired and must lie down". I said ok, but then she kept on talking, sounding not at all tired. We talked for another while, when suddenly she said, "Jerzy needs to go out and I have to go now". Out of the blue, the conversation was over.

In thinking about this later, I suspect that he must have wandered off the first time so Julie got an extension on her talk time. Then he came back and the conversation was over. She mentioned that he had been hovering around and showing impatience. Things are not so good at their house. Julie seems to be more and more isolated. I think I'll go for a short visit next week. I won't sleep over but just go for the day. This is worrisome but there is not much I can do. So I'll prepare myself for another unpleasant encounter with Jerzy and hope I can make Julie happy.

Friendship comes with a price and sometimes its a high one. Some part of the self has to be given over to the needs of the other. This works well as long as the benefits one derives are equal to the personal sacrifice. It's when the benefits decrease and the sacrifices are disproportionately uncomfortable that the friendship is tested. Sometimes it is memories of better times or gratitude for past gifts that sustain the friendship. If those feelings are strong enough loyalty sustains an imbalanced friendship. Such is the case with Julie. But, apparently that is not the case with Suzanne.

The situation with Suzanne is more ambiguous and in retrospect was never really equal. We had done a lot to help each other over some difficult years but with a lot of self-interest being the driver. Suzanne, I always suspected, saw herself as superior - more talented, more inspired, and emotionally stronger. I had more advantages with jobs, money, life skills etc. but Suzanne never really respected those things. My advantages were useful, but not the right stuff. I'm only guessing now, because I can't really get a good read on her. Her struggles, her stresses, and her achievements were important. Mine somehow, not so much. I recognize now that Suzanne was the center of our friendship. As long as all eyes were on her things went well. For all her pride, her misfortunes were always front and center.

Even way back she could be treacherous. We sometimes worked together in the cutting room - she as editor and I as assistant editor or as production manager on her clients' projects. Sometimes the pay was bad and the hours worse but the film was something we believed in. Credits were often the most important motivation. Twice Suzanne removed my name from the credits to save the client title fees. In one case the producer cut me because I had rejected his advances. She didn't know his real reason because she never consulted me. So I always kept her far away from my clients because she couldn't be trusted not to undermine me. That should have been a clue. Just call me clueless.

Over all the years, she never hesitated to call me to discuss her situation. It didn't matter what I was experiencing, if she needed my help or advice, she called me. I can remember many many times when the conversation never included a 'how are you Claire'. Mostly it was all about her.
To be fair, she did help when Elliot died. She secured the funeral home and arranged for his cremaines to be sent to Toronto. When Alfred died, she helped me clean his apartment, and she made his cemetery arrangements on my behalf. The help she gave Don after Alfred's death was admirable, but I will always feel she had a personal agenda. She deliberately tried to violate my memory of Alfred. She had gone through all his personal letters and stuff and would insinuate that she knew stuff that tarnished his memory. I found it very unpleasant and told her that I didn't want to hear those revelations. It was none of her business how Alfred lived and how we felt about each other.

Don was greatly impressed with her and because he is blind, he relied on her help. It was kind of her, but I suspect he was the agenda. She now has Don's undying gratitude and when he can no longer function I'll bet she will run his affairs. Everyone is useful to Suzanne and if they are not, she won't linger with them long. Suzanne is a fascinating woman, strong, unyielding and unable to compromise. She severs relationships rather than seek the compromise and she severed ours abruptly, when I was ill, and without explanation. Apparently, a 39 year friendship didn't merit the respect of an explanation in the end.

Did it hurt? You bet it did. In retrospect I realize that I don't miss her even a little. I don't miss her narcissism and insensitivity at all. Maya always said that she didn't like Suzanne and felt that Suzanne was a control freak. Maya particularly disliked the imbalance in our relationship and called her an emotional taker. Maya is perceptive, and I think she may be right.

Suzanne prides herself on her ethics but it really is her blind spot. Every time M. a mutual friend, sends me greetings via Suzanne, she never tells him that she is no longer in contact with me. She lets him believe that I'm still on the board of the NGO she runs. She needs him. He is a respected adviser that I brought to the organization. He only learned of the schism while visiting me. That he was allowed to assume I was still involved, really disturbed him. How ethical is that, I'm wondering.

I guess what I'm grappling with is the tenuous nature of friendship. Even at seventy, I still can't seem to figure it out. We are social beings and need each other, but betray and damage each other ad infinitum. We bring to others the sum total of our experiences wrapped up in various defenses and strategies and agendas. Some of us have been badly battered along life's path and yet we still try to connect with others. It's a bloody miracle that we connect at all and even more so when we are able to sustain a friendship. I guess we keep trying because we hope that this time we'll get it right.

Today is Yom Kippur...

and I'm fasting. The Day of Atonement is the most important day in the Jewish year - a day for self-sacrifice, contemplation and renewal. We make amends to others and to God and particularly to ourselves for our shortcomings, misdeeds and our spiritual weakness. Indeed, it is a day of perfecting ourselves and forgiveness much like working the Fourth and Fifth Steps in AA. I'm completely at home in these steps.

In the past few years, I was not well enough to fast, but this year I am, and I'm doing so with gratitude. I have much to be grateful for. My life is good and my spirits are high. I have a beautiful home, and a wonderful garden that I enjoy. Although I'm not rich, I have enough money to live in modest comfort and I have good friends to share my comforts with. My daughter, Maya, is doing well in her life with a very fine career and outstanding academic achievements. She has found love and stability with a kind and decent young man and they are both really fine and good human beings.

My great joy in life has always been my cottage, and it continues to provide retreat and happiness. I am grateful as well for my ability to still do meaningful work, provide assistance to the arts and cultural community and for rediscovering my creative muse. I'm painting and sculpting again and had my first exhibition in forty years. I'm aiming for another in a year or two.

There are so many pleasures and interests that keep me going - my love of nature and wildlife never deserts me. My latest cat, Willy brings me love and laughter daily and I have hope and anticipations for another spring. My gardener's optimism always keeps me planning for the future and I'm grateful for it.

There are things I could do better and lost opportunities I wish I could recover. I will never stop wondering what my role was in Suzanne's abrupt severing of our long friendship. I could have tried harder to discover why, but wasn't I perhaps relieved to be quit of her? Couldn't I be less self-indulgent and live with fewer things? Wouldn't this beloved planet of ours be in better shape if we all lived more simply and I should set a better example in my own life. I have too much stuff. I could also try harder to see Julie more. I used to see her once a month and now it has slipped away to once quarterly. Or is my absence justified as a form of self preservation? It's not just Jerzy's nastiness that keeps me away, it's also Julie. I can't bear watching her decline. She, whom I love above all friends, is slipping away. Conversations with her are now becoming frustrating. I suspect I'm being cowardly. When I confront her growing confusion, I confront my own fears. I must try harder because she derives so much pleasure from seeing me. So continues my contemplation and now I must decide to try to make some changes.

Soon it will be sundown and I can eat again. Let us hope that as my hunger is satisfied, I will also sustain my self-awareness and my gratitude.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference.

My bitter sweet day.

On June 13, I wrote about the disappointments of old age, particularly when it comes to relationships with men. I don't mean romantic relationships so much as warm and reciprocal friendships. I shared my thoughts and feelings about being invisible at precisely that time in life when we are most interesting. Joking about it and accepting the reality doesn't make my invisibility any less painful. So just imagine how wonderful it was to be able to talk about my family history, and tell some of the stories that made the Hogenkamps special. To be interviewed for a documentary film about a seminal period in our lives, was exhilarating and very validating. For three hours yesterday, I was not invisible and I was able to share some important details about life under the Nazi occupation of Holland. Thank you Lloyd Walton for being so interested, and inviting my recollections into your film. Thank you for making this film about Holland and the Canadians. Being part of it made me feel very proud of my Dutch heritage and my Canadian heritage. I have the best of both worlds.

Yesterday I also had a reminder of just how unimportant my friendship is to others. In my June 13 post, I discussed the amazing rediscovery of my very first boyfriend all these years later. He found me at a difficult time in his life. His wife was dying of Cancer, and he was dealing with that and ultimately, her death. Finding me must have provided a needed distraction from the pain and loss he was feeling. We corresponded regularly and I tried to help him deal with his different stages of grief. He approached me, and I welcomed him back into my life with no expectations except friendship. After all, we had both survived some serious personal struggles.

He came to see me and we visited together, pleased in each other's company after so long. We exchanged a few more emails and he just drifted away. I made the effort to keep the dialogue going, but eventually decided that I had served my purpose. I had provided a fantasy briefly, that bridged his transition from being a couple to living alone, and now he's moved on.

Yesterday I received a curt change of address notification with no comment or greeting. He has moved his life to Cornwall, Ontario without a bye or leave. It was insulting really.

I know I shouldn't be resentful, but I'm definitely hurt. He decided that my friendship wasn't worth his effort, and in his moving on, I wasn't worth more than a change of address notice. I wouldn't have done that to him if the situation was reversed. I really valued his return to my life and believed he held me in similar esteem. It appears that I was mistaken, and sadly, that will be his loss.

In one day I experienced the Yin and Yang of being human, being old and being a woman.

The Film Interview

Yesterday was a very good day. Some time ago in the spring, I ran into an old colleague at a retirement party. He is now retired and has a film company. He told me that he had been commissioned by the Canadian Veterans Association to do a documentary about the liberation of Holland in 1945. The film was to capture the memories of that time before the remaining vets passed away. He had been in Holland on the 65th Anniversary of the liberation and was overwhelmed by the reception given to the Canadians. I suggested that he focus on the Dutch survivors as well, particularly members of the Resistance. They were a big help to the Canadians and they too are disappearing, taking their stories with them. Well, amazingly, he acted on that and has talked to a number of Dutch Canadians about their memories. He had interviewed a number of Dutch people while in Holland but needed material to weave it all into a coherent whole. He asked if I would share my family history and yesterday was interview day.

He arrived and set up at 1:00 for what he thought would be a one or two hour shoot. It turned into a three hour shoot and we could have continued longer. Fortunately, I had in recent times started writing some of it down in this blog, so it was fairly fresh in my mind. Apparently, during the interview I was so animated and articulate, as well as emotional in my telling of the stories, he couldn't stop filming. He also shot some still photos from the family album as well as war stills from footage in Dutch books I have. He went away with a feast of information that filled all the gaps in his film - a veritable documentarian's dream. He said everything I talked about supported other stories and he now had the bridging material for the film. The Dutch perspective merged with the Canadian perspective. From this vantage point in time, that's the ideal way to tell the story.

It was a wonderful experience. Just knowing that someone will be able to see this film and know something of my amazing family, gives me huge pleasure. Usually, I am concerned about my image on camera - is my hair and makeup just so, am I sitting straight etc. Not this time. I couldn't have cared less. This film is not about me. I'm just a conduit to a much bigger story - may parents and their generation.

Most of it will end up in out-takes I'm sure, but I can hope.

It's Rosh Hashanah already?

It has been a while since I communed with my blog. I seem to be in a state of extreme business without actually doing anything substantive, just picking up the pieces of a fall schedule.

I've rejoined my pottery class to resume sculpting. I can sculpt without joining a class of course, but I need access to a kiln and the wise experience of my teacher Karen. She knows a lot of stuff about clay, firing, glazes et al that I need to explore. I was so happy with the leaf platter that I made I want to try making a few more plates in natural forms.

I have also agreed to be on the Market Hall fund raising cabinet. I know I said that I had enough committee work to last a lifetime, but this is such a worthy cause and I believe I can be helpful. I have some PSO experience to share and some good contacts that would support this venture. A new, intimate and state of the art performance venue with an adventurous mandate is badly needed in Peterborough. It's in my area of interest so I'll feel a greater commitment than I did on the Dragon Boat Festival committee. Of course I care about finding a cancer cure, but others care more deeply than me. I was right to resign.

I'm also trying new ventures like taking the bus tour to the ROM to see the Terracotta Army exhibit with Trudy. We won't need to drive and we'll enjoy a day away from the norm. Oh my God I'm a senior. I'm taking bus tours for seniors, so I must be one. Has it come to that already?

On the other hand, I completed six paintings while at the cottage, of my beloved landscape but working in a new medium. After my exhibition, it became clear to me that I had to push myself out of my comfort zone. I needed to lose some control and experiment more so I switched to painting with acrylics. I bought bigger boards, larger brushes and $235. worth of paints. I had hoped to become more abstract as well but that didn't come. Instead I did some very vibrant and interesting landscapes after an initial struggle to learn the medium. I came home pleased.

Today I did my first ever painting of my garden. Now that was definitely outside my comfort zone. I missed the openess of the lake and the reflections. I also missed the expanses of rock. The back garden is so enclosed and canopied by large leafy trees it feels like painting the inside of a large box. I don't know how I like the painting yet. I need to do a few more to put this painting in perspective. I may be working outside my comfort zone, but I'm clearly painting inside the box.

I'm ready to start my physio again tomorrow. I've become lazy since I came back from the cottage. I was much more active there. Although I only swam a few times, I did much more walking and climbing. It was healthy and enjoyable. Jane is such a great travel companion. She understands country life and quickly falls into a routine. We got along so well. Most interesting was watching her interest in photography mature. She explores a subject and does a whole series of shots as she gets to know it. I was fascinated by her patience with wildlife, the hummingbird in particular. It became very clear that her talent was handicapped by the limitations of her camera. I suggested she ask for a new camera at Christmas. She needs a better macro lens.

The best part of our cottage stay was visiting with friends. We had our annual picnic at Lac Nicholas with Jean and Michael Reeves, the entire family Nicholas and two dogs. Lots of food and good conversation was had by all. We were there from 1:00 till 5:30, a long time for the two Jeans now in their eighties. Then we went off to the Gatineau to spend a day at Barbara's place. Again, we had a wonderful visit and met Barb's beloved Kenya - a friendly hulk of a dog.

Joan Roberts and her friend Susan joined us at my place for another swell day. Joan is also in her eighties and is delightfully sharp and active. She loves to swim and we went in together floating around on the water talking and laughing. I put in my ear plugs and Joan took out her hearing aid and we proceeded to shout at each other. So funny.

Elizabeth my dear friend from New York days also visited and shared her experiences from coping with her sister's stroke and dementia, to moving her into a nursing home. Elizabeth endured all the responsibility for the house and her sister, only to discover that her sister had drawn up papers giving the bank dual power of attorney. So Elizabeth can't make any decisions on Claire's behalf or about the house without asking the bank's permission. She broke down and wept while telling me the story. It was such a huge betrayal to Elizabeth that after all these years of caring for her sister and sharing her home, in the end she was not trusted to act on her behalf. Her sister's final act, was to treat Elizabeth like an irresponsible child. My heart was aching for her.

Finally, once I came home there was the celebration of Maya's 33rd birthday. She and my "other daughter" Tracy celebrated together at the Waugh cottage on Rice Lake, complete with Tracy's two babies, her parents Bruce and Nicki, Maya's Glenn and me. It was fun and warm and familial with much baby bouncing and reminiscing. Good fun and a first for me, Maya and Glenn went home to London and I came home to Peterborough alone. I was ok with it and kind of treasured being on my own. My new student Kathleen moved in the next day and life goes on.

Happy New Year - Shanah Tovah to everyone.

Best friends for 21 years, celebrating joint Birthday

Another Adventure

It is the first day of September and feels like a heat wave in early August. It looks like early September though. It's the sun you see. It sits much lower in the sky. I'm very sensitive to light and it's effect on colour. The shadows are lengthening, the shade seems deeper and the sun's rays cast a golden glow over everything. I love it so much. With the shortening days comes die back in the garden - much less cultivating and more cutting down happens now. I don't love that. It makes me sad.

Just like my garden points to a new cycle of life, so does the arrival of a new student for the coming academic year. She has just moved in today all shy and polite, anxious to make a good impression. Her name is Kathleen from Nova Scotia. She arrived with her mother and they both have auburn hair. A red- headed Kathleen - how suitable. It's early days but I hope we will adjust to each other effortlessly.

In case you're wondering why I put myself through these changes every year (five now) let me be clear, it's not for the money. There is not enough involved to make much of a difference to my economic status. I like having a young woman living with me. I enjoy the youthful energy, the new interests and the company. It makes the long winter go faster and takes me out of myself.
I enjoy her field of studies (Museum Management) and it's a way of supporting the program.
Willy enjoys having another person to pester and play with. It's all good really. Some students I've liked better than others, but I've disliked none.

So here goes, another adventure is about to begin.