I'm weighing the pros and cons of flying to England to visit Pat. Nolan forwarded an email from her dictated in the hospital, that is both optimistic (that's true Pat) and realistic. It's so truly considerate of her to want to leave people feeling good, if she dies. Maya suggested that I make the trip to be with Patin these difficult days. So if I go, I might as well go to Holland to see Martien, Jan and the kids as well as Quita and Frank. I don't want to leave it till it's too late. We never know when our time is up.

Time is running out for my loved ones and they are slipping away. It's leaving me feeling so isolated, because as they go, they take a piece of me with them. My peers, my comrades, my friends, we lived a common history and shared similar values. The world for us was a familiar but different place than the world of our children now. Who will know me when my contemporaries are gone? I don't want to be the last man standing.

With Julie again silent in her medicated stroke state, I wonder how long she can hang on this way? How many traumas can one brain survive and what will be the ultimate cost? As she is lost to herself, she is lost to me as well. I'm so glad we had such a great weekend a while back. We looked at old photos, exhibition announcements and reviews and most enjoyable of all - the homemade birthday and Christmas cards that Maya and I made for her. We sat up in her studio, looked at our memorabilia together, laughed and reminisced. We had a great time. Jerzy was in France and she was very happy with Jackie looking after her.

Regarding the studio nastiness, It's occurred to me in irony that Gail didn't need to sack me at all. Given the change of circumstances, I will have to pull out of the studio anyway. The demands on my time due to these grave developments, makes sculpting thrice weekly, a luxury I can't afford. If she had been a little more tolerant and patient, I would have left in a week anyway, without the hurt and anger I'm feeling. Being told to leave the studio after one misunderstanding has been hard to digest. I do suspect Gail's motives. Her real agenda was to clear me out when her classes filled up because she didn't need me any more. I was the financial fallback if the classes didn't fill up.

To chuck me out because she doesn't need my money after all, is so unprofessional and possibly unethical. But by getting rid of me because she can't work with me frees her of guilt. It makes it my fault. So here I am, the offending party when I should be offended. It's a text book "blame the victim" strategy and it really hurts. Women can be very cruel to each other. Some of my deepest wounds over the years were served up by women.