I am saddened by some of my women friends who still believe that they need to find a partner in order to be complete. Perfectly bright and interesting women who appear to be living independent lives full of challenges and successes have a secret void deep inside them. They are still searching for the perfect mate to fill that void.
I understand their dilemma because I am periodically gripped by the same illness. It is an illness because while I am in its grip I see myself as less than I truly am. I never like myself very much when I'm accommodating a man. I change and become a throwback to a person who plays at being weaker than I am. I become more self-effacing and girly, and I spend more time looking at myself, worrying about wrinkles, fat, hair styles and appearances generally. It's a bore and I don't like it. I don't like that me.
It rarely happens anymore because I came to understand that I have health issues I wouldn't wish on any new partner. Most men like to be taken care of and I need to conserve my energy to take care of me. My life depends on it and it's a full time job. I have also really come to enjoy my space, my quiet times, the habitat I created and my lifestyle. I'm really fortunate to be where I am with the friends I have and I don't want to rock the boat. The most recent case of man crazyness was with Ray and that ended five years ago. I gave so much of myself away to him, there was little left for me. He needed a lot of material care and I needed a lot of emotional care - a perfect match. Many older women get into this kind of a situation and the men bleed them dry. Ray, was emotionally remote and couldn't love me the way I needed. It became a terrible obsession. Ray is a very honourable and principled man who became as unhappy as I, with the situation. He broke the obsession by leaving town for a year. It was the kindest and noblest thing he could do for us both.
I recovered my sanity and my self respect and by the time we saw each other again we were healed. Now we are good friends who respect each other, amuse each other and really like one another. I like Ray much more now than I ever loved him before. We are ourselves in each other's company and it has taught me much. I like me and thus he likes me. I like him because he likes himself. We are no longer playing roles and causing each other pain.
Not every man holds Ray's values. Many are only too happy to exploit the yearnings of old women. It never ends well for the women. We have been raised on "romantic love" ideology, taught to nurture others from an early age, and groomed to be attractive and seductive. We learn from an early age to seduce, attract and appeal. Little training time is devoted to self-realization. Maturity is seen as synonymous with loss of sexuality in this culture. So, is it any wonder that we have no idea who we are, or what our role is once we grow old? If women are very lucky, they will have a life of the mind, of creative achievement, or of professional success. They will have positive roles in their families or in their social groups. Some are lucky enough to just slip into aging without the usual insecurities. The new sexy for an old woman is self realization and independence. Her audience should be her friends, peers and community and her best lover must be herself.
Some may say I've given up the search for Mr. Right but I say I've just moved on. I'm content to be Ms Right for myself these days and the best I can be for my friends.
