My rock and hard place.

I'm caught between a rock and a hard place and it's really making me sad tonight. I had another one of those conversations with my daughter where I ended up feeling like the baddy. Again I was accused of making her feel guilty. I'm always causing her to feel guilt these days for a variety of reasons that usually start with me saying something like: I guess you haven't read my posts, or, you didn't hear my message, or, we haven't spoken lately - all true. This can be a completely non- accusatory statement of facts, but is received by an audible bristling at her end. I'm becoming so sensitive about this, that I find myself affecting a lighter tone, or worse - wishing I hadn't called at all. Today I heard myself denying that I was guilting her while wondering why she feels so guilty. I actually am apprehensive about going there for Christmas.

The rock, is my calling her (though, she has repeatedly said "you can call me too you know") because I want to hear from her. The hard place, is having my calls misinterpreted and ending in these negative feelings. All I know, is that there is something not right in this recurring dialogue. I sense I'm being driven away by being squeezed into a stereotypical mother-in-law role. Since I don't criticize, don't badger or whine, I like Glenn, and don't interfere in their lives, I resent treading on eggs around the person I birthed, raised and love.

I don't know where this is going, and I would like to improve our communication. If she were a friend, I would walk away because the friendship is not satisfying my needs at present. She is more than a friend, she is my daughter and I can't just walk away. Other women have wonderfully open and generous relationships with their grown children. I thought we had one too, so what happened and what was my role in damaging it? I can't even ask her because she will deny my perception and accuse me of guilting her again.

I do know one thing about guilt. We usually do it to ourselves when we believe we are falling short in some way. I learned in AA that I felt most guilty when I was failing the expectations of the Roman Chorus in my head. The accumulated "shoulds" of all the people I needed to please
throughout my life became my Roman Chorus. My parents were dead, so there was no clear embodiment of a source for my guilt. I'm very much alive in Maya's life so perhaps I have assumed the role of her Roman Chorus. This is not of my making but I may push her buttons unwittingly. I'll have to back off, and she will have to separate me from her Roman Chorus to set us both free to be ourselves again.

A kinder, gentler perspective.

In my last post, I seem to come down hard on Jerzy. I wish to temper that with some thoughts about his devotion to Julie throughout this terribly taxing time since Julie's first stroke in 2001. That stroke nearly took her from us and after a very long hospitalization she was transferred to rehab and finally home. She was partially paralyzed and confined to a wheelchair. The stroke didn't affect her cognitive ability, speech, and she was still Julie but with a mobility problem. Jerzy did everything he could to make her life as pleasant as possible. The house was retrofitted with safety controls, the garden was landscaped to allow her access in the wheelchair and an elevator was installed to take Julie up to the studio. Daycare workers were hired as well as a regular physiotherapist but over the years Jerzy is the principal caregiver.

He is now over 80 and becoming infirm himself. The 24 hour on-call role is wearing him out and it is reflected in his mood swings. His devotion to her has been astonishing given how selfish he had been throughout their marriage. He loved Julie in his fashion but always needed to be in control. He could be profoundly unpleasant when his control was threatened. This quality has made it almost impossible for him to receive advice, or assistance from anyone. He is a philosophical materialist who can't draw upon any wells of inner faith for respite. His arrogance over the years has left very few friends or confidants. He adores his children and they are his only support. This places them in a very difficult position, because as his children, they are not his peers. He can shut them down in a nano-second. So they are asked for advice on the one hand and ignored on the other. As a materialist, Jerzy puts inordinate faith in doctors and other medical professionals who often don't know Julie or see her as we do. Common sense sometimes suffers because of that as does her quality of life.

Now all these strengths and failings are merging into a tired old man who is wearing out, can't control events and most troubling for him, I'm sure, he is losing his self-control. He feels helpless and guilty about this. Guilt makes a cruel companion when you can't ask for help. His position is so very difficult and I feel a deep sadness for him but I can't provide him help because he dislikes me too much to allow it. I can be available if I'm needed and I'll do whatever is necessary for Julie's well being. She is the one that matters the most and I'll accept Jerzy's contradictions and rudeness as long as she needs me.