Three women and me

Today I'm feeling slightly off kilter because of a variety of events ranging from serious to grave to irritating, that have left me feeling sad and angry. For confidentiality reasons, I can only refer to the events without identifying the persons involved.

First, a relative has been confiding in me over a period of years about the abuse she was experiencing from her former spouse. When their union ended she was supposed to sit quietly waiting for his return as she had done so often in the past. But she changed the game plan by deciding to move on with her life. He was most displeased with this turn of events and began stalking and harassing her. Over a period of four years he wrote degrading and slanderous letters to her, her parents, sisters, friends, colleagues and employer; he made countless threatening phone calls to her and the same people He would suddenly appear at her workplace. Protection orders, legal letters and police involvement would not stop this reign of terror. Every day for more than four years she was waiting for the next ambush. The sheer tenacity of the man is daunting.

Finally he was arrested and the case went to a preliminary hearing to decide if there was enough evidence to go to trial. This took place yesterday. The plaintiff decided to represent himself so that he could have the twisted satisfaction of questioning his victim himself. So for an entire day she was subjected to his loaded questions dripping with sexual innuendo as he attempted to discredit and humiliate her. She withstood the barrage with the aid of the Crown running interference and conducted herself with dignity. But it was a shattering experience.

In her attempt to protect herself through the legal system, that same system forced her to be re-victimized by her tormentor. She was in essence, raped by the judicial process because the accused had the right to represent himself. In cases of sexual abuse, harassment and stalking the accused should not have that right. He should be represented by counsel to remove the element of direct intimidation. She stood firm, held her ground and I'm so very proud of her. If she wins and the judge finds there is enough evidence, she will have to face her tormentor yet again at trial. Is it any wonder that sexual abuse victims are reluctant to press charges?

The second concern that I'm struggling with is the ill health of my dearest and oldest friend. She and I have been friends since middle school (junior high)and we never lost touch over the years when she moved to London and I to New York. We stood up for each other at each of our weddings and as we moved on in life we stayed close. Now she's fighting spinal cancer, and is undergoing chemo-therapy in a London hospital as I write. I'm told that although the pain has been terrible, she is not in pain now. It is so frustrating to feel this helpless and it is making me angry.

So here I sit writing this because there is nothing else I can do for two women who are both fighting for life in very different ways. There is something I can do however, to be more mindful of others in the moment.

Case in point: I came back from sculpture today, annoyed by a misunderstanding that took place in the studio. It was about not having enough space. Gail is under a lot of pressure to get enough work ready for a major craft show in a week. She needs space for her stuff and her classes are getting busy. It is her studio. I made the mistake of bringing in more supplies yesterday, and storing them there. I could have left them at home until I needed them, but in my enthusiasm I wanted to share my idea with her. It involved glass bricks for sculpture bases that I believed Gail would also find useful.

She told me I had to remove them today and I responded defensively. I was thinking, "my good intentions are not appreciated" and she was thinking "why can't this woman see there is no room". It was an awkward moment compounded by the presence of a third party. I felt like I had been a naughty girl. She also cut my days down to two from three because there are more students than anticipated. It really is damned hard to work with so many people in the limited space. It would have been received better however, if we had discussed this privately, but it's done. In reality, with studio time three days a week and physio twice a week I was concerned that I might be overdoing it. Taking Tuesday as a personal day may be better for me in the long run.

Driving home I remembered my dear friend dealing with Chemo, and I realized how trivial this misunderstanding was. I'm lucky to have a corner in the world to be creative for two days a week and a friend who is willing to share it with me.