Get Me to a Nunnery and Other Good Ideas.

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve, and I'm unraveling. My positive state of mind is growing very negative, very quickly. This is a cause for concern because it reminds me of my teenaged anxiety over not being included. Everything is happening somewhere else, and I've been left out. This is particularly insane because I normally don't like the to-do around New Years Eve. When I'm in London we go out for a lovely dinner and later the kids go to a party and I stay home with the cats. I watch TV and then they come home.  It was a wonderful evening for both generations. I just wasn't prepared not to see Maya at all this season and that is taking its toll as well.

 I used to make beautiful N.Y's Eve dinners in New York and Toronto and invited all my closest friends. We had fun, it was warm and meaningful. I would also include strays and orphans at my table. I always took steps to ensure that I wasn't alone. This year I am alone on the eve and for the day and all the old fears are creeping back under my skin. Wow. I'm 71 and the ghosts of 17 are coming back.

We had hilarious parodies of classic N.Ys parties after I moved to Peterborough and Mary was still alive. We would dress up with  cocktail hats and fedoras, or funny hats and masks to dine out splendidly and then bring in the New Year at Mary and David's or my place. It was gentle fun. Mary usually fell asleep before midnight and had to be roused for the toast. Wayne told stories and we gossiped about work. We belonged, there were no outsiders and we went home after midnight. Except for the few occasions when Ray was present or Gary Forma, I was always the only unpartnered woman and it didn't matter.

I find myself at 71, still unpartnered and very much alone. I need to understand why I can handle this 364 days of the year but not on New Year's Eve? These fears are totally baffling and very unhealthy. What other demons from my past will arise in my old age.?  Why haven't I faced them years ago and how can I put them to rest?  For that matter, how is it that I have spent so many years alone? Am I so formidable that no man  ever wanted to know and love me?  See how damaging this state of mind can be? I'm alone for New Year ergo I'm unloved.

Claire, get off your duff or "get thee to a nunnery" before you turn into a geriatric Mildred, all. about me all the time. Ewe, what a dreadful fate. Focus on the good stuff.. Two of my sculptures were selected by an AGP jury for the 2012 AGP Triennial. I sold some art, I had a nice show at Chasing the Cheese and my painting is really improving a lot. My health was good enough to permit me to travel.  I had a great visit with Pat here and a wonderful trip to Holland. People love and care for me there.  It's time to start moving forward again; to rejoin my classes at the Peterborough School of  Art, and to resume a diet and fitness regime.

Lets start today by paying bills and organizing my tax files. Now doesn't that feel like fun.