It's been quite a while since my last post. I have been very busy with my art and stuff - hanging a modest show of painting at Chasing the Cheese; preparing two submissions to be judged for a group show at the AGP; working on my website; designing my Cat calendar for Christmas giving and wrapping up details for my trip to Holland this Thursday. It's all falling into place nicely so I'm taking a few moments to update Paws Awhile.
Maya was here for a couple of days to have a visit before I head to Europe. I'm glad she came even if she did need to work. We got along well even though I was overly sensitive to the "aging" remarks. I joke about it myself as a kind of defense against my own fears, but if it is raised too often by others, I begin to suspect that my frailties are clearer to others than I care for. Because we don't see each other often and she fears my loneliness, a kind of ironic banter between us masks our true feelings. When I really try to express a feeling that may makes her uncomfortable, she kind of bullies me into silence.
So we adopt the banter to half express ourselves. What she doesn't realize, is that I am moving on with my life and developing a loving detachment about hers. I must survive emotionally and with dignity without becoming dependent on her. We were always there for each other, we had no one else but each other as she grew up. Her life is now half of another partnership, and she can talk with Glenn about serious concerns. I don't have a partner to share with, so sometimes I open up to her. When it touches feelings that make her uncomfortable, she closes me down. It's a no win situation for me.
So let me be really clear Maya:
1. I am over the moon happy about your commitment with Glenn to settle down. The house is a brilliant decision that makes total sense. Yes I'm sad that London is so far away, but it is what it is.
2. I'm delighted that you are looking seriously at starting a family, and that Glenn recognizes that single parenting is not your preferred option. I also realize that being the more distant grandma will mean I will have a smaller role in your lives.
But I can be the eccentric Oma that comes once in a while for good times.
3. You are not responsible for my life and its ups and downs, so you need never feel guilty. If I qvetch from time to time, let me. I'm getting old and often feel achey. I put up with your adolescent moods and complaints and still loved you. You can put up with my geriatric moods and complaints in return, and still love me. You need to hear me without assuming guilt. My moods aren't about you
4. Unlike you as a teenager, I will not grow out of it. It can only get worse - it's a condition of old age. There is not going to be a happy ending. The most we can hope for is a sane and peaceful ending. Accept it, tuck it away but prepare your life accordingly. Make some effort to include me where you can and treat me with respect always. As I have always done with you.
5. Remind Glenn that though I'm not his mother, I will love him as my son. And, he will earn my undying gratitude when he recognizes that I can't help getting a little deaf, and speaks so that I can hear him. He has a good mind, and thoughts that I would dearly like to hear.
6. Remember always that I love you and want you to be happy. I would like to be happy too. You may not always need to hear from me, but I may need to hear from you, so humour me. Call or post me just to say hi.
...and b.t.w. Mothers do have special powers - like it or not. You'll see.
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About Me
- kingmisha
- I'm bigger than a pile of breadboxes, but smaller than a Sherman tank. I'm overeducated, underpaid but very content with my life. I have loved infrequently but intensely. I dated a poet, divorced a Dean, had an affair with a jazz pianist, was engaged to a diplomat, and widowed by my child's father. The men in my life were all very special. Not all grand passions but much loved in their time: Leonard Cohen, Alfred Pinsky, Billy Horn, Wendell Goodin, and Elliot Hirschman. Thanks for the memories... I'm a lapsed artist which doesn't really trouble me because I'm a very successful parent. I lacked the requisite conceit to persevere as an artist. I just couldn't make myself believe that my art came before my child. The world really doesn't need another sculptor (even a good one), but it does need another good human being. It can use all the good human beings we can turn out. I present Mambolica as my evidence so judge for yourselves.