Toxic energy.

Sat.May 28, 2011 - 2:30 am

I'm in bed at J's, feeling sick to my stomach from the stress residue of a showdown with G. Don't ask how we got into it again, we just did. Things were going along fine, too fine. G was being super nice to me and I to him. It was weird. Usually, he is more indifferent and not the least concerned about my welfare.

After dinner we watched a really great movie called "The Last Station" about Tolstoy's last year of life. We began to discuss why a film that good didn't make it into wider distribution and before we knew it, we were fighting. He was being an expert in a field he knows nothing about, and blowing off my views with his usual condescending and over-bearing arguments. The film industry is my field, my area of expertise and I wasn't accorded an iota of respect. This is an age old pattern between us. He was giving me his best "now see here Missy" attitude when I exploded. I should have shut up and walked away, as I have on countless occasions before. But, I'm an idiot and didn't. He started that sneering approach that is so maddening, I blew up and left the room.

On further reflection, I decided to come back downstairs, apologize and try to shed some light on why we push each others buttons. I felt that reaching an emotional detente was necessary for J and I to resume some comfort in our relationship. I certainly could not leave things as they were.

Big mistake- I laid my cards on the table and tried to convey the emotional damage this behavior has done over the years. I've been damaged, J has, and so has G if he could admit it to himself. G saw my apology as a sign of weakness, swooped in and stuck his talons in all my sore spots. J tried to inject some balance and fairness into the process, to no avail. He gets a crazed look, then fights realy dirty and goes for the jugular. J was begging him to stop and it was as though she wasn't even in the room. He was wound up and getting off on his anger.

Here are some toxic tidbits he tossed out:

a. I'm a drama queen with an inflated sense of my own importance.

b. I inserted myself into the family and really was not as important to Julie's recovery, as I like to think. Meanwhile, Julie kept saying that it was very important to her, that I was there.

c. That I try to take credit for things, and give advice when it was none of my business.

(I wanted to remind him of the number of times he asked me to come because I had such a positive effect on J, or asked me what he should do because she seemed indifferent to living, etc.) but I didn't. I could have reminded him that it was he who didn't take his turns on the hospital watch. But I did not. I tried to remind him of the good he had done over the years that I really admired, but he was too into his own toxic soup to take note.

d. He also reiterated how much he disliked me and that he only accepted my presence because of J. This was deeply personal and bitingly painful for me and J, yet all the while he accused me of turning an intellectual discussion into an emotional issue.

e. I was reduced to a shadow of myself and lost all semblance of rational dignity. J's feelings and protestations were completely ignored and I knew that he was digging a deep hole we could never climb out of.

Sun. May 29, 2010, 11:30

NEXT MORNING. I'm dreading going downstairs. I've been reviewing my role in the event o last night and realize that this has not been my finest hour. I should have walked away. G does not like to be challenged and I did so at the deepest level - feelings.

My opening remarks were entirely based on my feelings. They were an appeal to move past argument into understanding. When I came back into the room to apologize, I said, "all I ever wanted from you was respect and friendship. All I ever got was rejection and misunderstanding and I just need to know why? What can we do to change this"?The response was the vitriol I have described. When I told him of my deep respect for his commitment to J's care. His response was that I never told him that before. I suggested, that perhaps I was afraid because I didn't know how he would react. He turned it around on me by saying that I really couldn't acknowledge his role because that would diminish my self importance. These are irreparable, lunatic statements. Where can one go from there? His remarks were coming from a deep well of resentment and loathing that go way back. My contribution to all this has not been my finest hour either. How could I be so deluded? Going back into the same discussion, with the same person, using the same tactics and expecting a different outcome has to be a clear example of my own insanity.

I was shaking so badly I had to leave the room. J., bless her, was repeating that G wasn't being fair and that he was distorting my words completely. My deepest regret, is that this turned out to be anything but a lovely visit with J. I won't be coming back any time soon. We all know this and I now need to exit as calmly as possible. If anything resonated most strongly,it was that I am not family and have no business inserting myself into family matters; that memory is selective and my responses to his appeals for help, are now viewed as my self aggrandizement. He did not ever need me nor did I ever help the situation, in spite of J's protests to the contrary. This was a no win situation for me, and very confusing and hurtful for J. I was even accused of talking about my stroke not to share my experience, but to make him feel guilty for not being being there.

It was jaw-droppingly crazy and very vicious. There's nothing left for me, but to leave quietly and quickly.

I slipped out while they were still in bed and had my coffee and breakfast at the MacDonald's where I took Maya when she was little. I stopped for some groceries at the Metro store in York Mills Plaza and drove home carefully and calmly. I didn't want to risk an accident on the road. I didn't say good bye to J. and that made me sad. It had to be this way, a quick, non-confrontational exit to save everyone's face.

Home again in my garden, with my cat happy to see me and peace embracing me. A quiet supper in front of the TV and a nap.

PS
I got a call from J around 7:00 PM. She was calling to express her deep regret about what had happened. She was not as out of it as I thought, and remembered all too vividly the cruel scene that played out in front of her. I told her how sorry I was but I couldn't expose myself to that again. She said she understood and that no one should be exposed to that kind of attack. She kept saying it was so unfair and that I had her full support. I think she was referring to the peripheral damage as well as the things her husband had said to me. His behavior effects not only me but
our friendship as well. I promised we would keep in touch by phone and said I loved her and we hung up. I'm very glad she made that call, but very sad for her situation. It's not just her wheel chair that's confining her. She's confined by her caregiver who controls her. It seems he still can't confine her mind.


* NOTE: added July 4, 2011

It's sad to report but the events I have described had such a negative effect on me that some of the Fibromyalgia symptoms have returned. Within a week I began experiencing the fatigue and joint pain. At first I believed I had overdone it in the garden but as time has passed, it's clear what this is. It's now evident that the events I've described had a traumatic effect on me. Now I must refocus on the future and try to erase the pain from my mind in order to recover. I can no longer endure any form of abuse without paying with my health.