Thanksgiving has come and gone and my tummy is going to have to make an adjustment back to sensible eating for WW points. I began the shift back from gluttony today with an all vegetarian supper. I made a delightful ratatouille in my slow cooker using every vegetable and legume I had in the house, seasoned it with ground ginger, parsley, soy sauce and lots of garlic, and served it with mashed potatoes. This would have been the ideal return to my senses had I not eaten two helpings and had a bowl of rum and raisin ice cream for dessert. Oh it's going to be an uphill struggle returning to the program.
Kathleen returned from a weekend at her brother's in Toronto, happy but tired. She had been to the AGO and really enjoyed the three exhibitions she saw. It's really fun to have someone to talk art with again. I have missed being with someone so knowledgeable and excited. It's amazing how many works of art I have filed away in my memory. She'll mention a painting like Rueben's Slaughter of the Innocents and I can draw the visual out of my memory. My Art History education was excellent and Kathleen's Mount Allison education has given her a very good foundation. She landed in the right boarding house by sheer serendipity.
I have had a wonderful time celebrating Thanksgiving with my friends. As soon as people realized I would be alone, I received invitations to two dinners. Saturday evening I attended a French style meal that began at 6:30 with the soup course, slowly wended its way through a fish course, meat and vegetables course, salad course into a dessert course which concluded with a cheese, liqueurs and coffee course at midnight. Throughout there was intelligent, witty conversation and a variety of wines (I had Perrier). I haven't experienced such a cosmopolitan evening in years. It was reminiscent of long lingering meals I've enjoyed hosting and attending in my Montreal days.
Sunday evening found me at other friends where I enjoyed a family style traditional Thanksgiving dinner. It too was delicious and very warm with family banter and pets and people who were very comfortable in each others' company and very welcoming to an outsider. I truly felt blessed by this abundance of affection and friendship and although I missed Maya, it was only a fleeting loneliness.
This has made me rethink my sense of loss with her off leading her own life. I never expected her life to have been so cut off from me. We had always been so close, I imagined she would continue wanting to share with me. In truth, she communicates very little. We speak on the phone maybe once or occasionally twice a week. She is remarkably involved with her London life and when we speak there isn't much to say. Our principle communication tool is the Facebook update, where we can at least see superficially what we each are up to. I understand that Glenn is her confidant now, but I can't remember this kind of withdrawal ever happening with previous boyfriends. I was still part of her life then. Perhaps Glenn's distance from his parents has influenced her. I feel I've been shunted to a siding, not very useful but available in case of an emergency.
I've started behaving defensively which is not good. I make my plans and arrangements as if Maya is not in my life. That way, I reason, I won't be hurt when she overlooks me. I worry about what I should say to her so she won't think I'm "guilting" her. I'm treading on eggs and it's making me angry. I suppress the anger which builds up more defensiveness. When she does call, I'm hoping it will be fun, but waiting for the shoe to drop - what does she want from me? I have to deal with this, because it will become very unhealthy if I let it slide.
The first step is to recognize that I have a life and it's a pretty interesting one. She can choose to be interested but doesn't have to.
The second is to appreciate the friends in my life who care for me and enjoy having me around. I have to make more effort to include them.
The third is to realize that these things are true with or without Maya. I'm more than just Maya's Mom. She doesn't define me and I don't define her. She is moving on without me and so should I. When I say to her " you must do what is best for you" I should take that to heart and apply those words to my life as well. I have to decide that the first person I need to care for is me. Hard to do after a lifetime of caring for others.
These are baby steps to recovery from chronic momism, but they seem huge. I must apply them one day at a time.
