Spring is in the Air - Time to take stock.

Today marked the first official day of spring and the birds seem to agree. The weather was very acceptable, so I went to check my fish. They were active and aware to my delight. I can never get used to the idea that they live throughout the five cold months without a bit of food, completely oblivious to the freezing temperatures. They are lethargic but very much alive. What a joy to see them well. The most dangerous time for them is between now and when it warms up. I can't start to feed them until the temp is consistently over 55* F. This is when we find out how much winter has exhausted them.

The birds are coming back. Their song is animating the air. Robins, starlings, red-winged blackbirds, grackles, crows and waterfowl are returning. The mourning doves are cooing and courting, the cardinal pair are active while he sings so beautifully and the geese are flying overhead. Excitement is everywhere.

I celebrated my actual birthday on the 15th. It was a nice day, relaxing and reflective. My friend David H. had invited me to speak for his first AA anniversary. I brought him to his first meeting a year ago. I prayed for his success one day at a time, and was like a proud parent when he made it to this important date. It was an honour to speak for him at this important time.

I had not spoken at a meeting in a long while so it was important for me as well. Thirty-six years ago on February 19, I attended my first meeting and had my last drink. Telling my story again was an opportunity to take my own inventory. In revisiting my drunkalogue, I realized that I have now lived longer as a sober person than as a drunk. I drank for 21 years and ended up in a muddled mess. I've had 36 years to repair the damage and straighten out the mess. It's been a rough road at times with disappointments, deaths, despair and confusion. Life can be a bitch sometimes and learning to deal with it head on and sober, is not easy. But life is also so beautiful - full of joy, friendships, love, birth and accomplishment. The beauty of having lived it all sober for 36 years is that you remember and you grow from it all. In AA we tell newcomers that if they don't pick up a drink, one day at a time, it gets better. That is not precisely true. Life is life, good, bad and indifferent. It is what it is and doesn't get better. In sobriety we get better. We are able to cope better, make wise decisions, accept responsibility and change the things we can. Sobriety is a great gift for an alcoholic, and we are helped each step of the way by the collective strength of the group, the wise principles of the AA program and by faith in our Higher Power. I have so much to be grateful for and I must always remember that if I'm grateful, I can't be resentful. Those two emotions simply cannot coexist in a person.

So I thank David for the gift of friendship and his invitation to speak on his special day. I thank the fellowship of AA for being there for me and David and I thank my HP for allowing me to see another spring, for my precious sobriety, and for the lives of my fish and the returning birds.
It's a great life and it's my life and I love it - one day at a time.

We are all strangers at the table.

Dearest Friend,

I haven't commented on your search for love previously, because I couldn't get past the terror it strikes in my stomach. I didn't want to rain on your parade with negativity. But with your last letter, you force my hand and I can't avoid commenting.

Your hopes and expectations are so open and out there, that I am afraid for you because at seventy we are more vulnerable than ever before. I also feel jealousy and admiration for your courage to try again. I don't trust my own judgment enough to dare take on another relationship. I asked myself after my last failure, why I kept repeating the same pattern and expecting a different outcome? Surely I had enough evidence that I could recognize a disaster in the making. But no, I would sail into the new relationship because this time it would be different.

I want you to be happy. I wish for your "this time" to be the right man, the right relationship, the true love, the right time. I do keep my fingers crossed for you, knowing full well, that if it works, I will lose you. You will become one of those women with partners whose coupleness underline my singleness. As for you always being the stranger at the table, I've learned that we all are strangers. From the moment of our birth, we can't go home again. The mother- womb is gone forever, even as we surround ourselves with family, friends, activities et al to hide the loss of mother love, safety and security from ourselves.

I have always felt like the stranger at the table. Even at my own table. That's how I became an alcoholic. I wanted to belong or be blotto. Story after story in AA that begins with "I always felt like I never belonged..." and I came to understand that what I thought was my unique loneliness was really the human condition. We build communities and relationships to bridge that condition. Mostly we don't succeed escaping our solitary selves. Sometimes we do succeed.

So I wish with all my heart, that you succeed dear friend.

Love,

Claire