Remembering where I belong.

Today is a warmer (only - 4) day but quite grey and damp looking. It's looking like it might snow. I like it colder with bright sunlight and no wind. A -4 * day with a strong wind chill is far more difficult to tolerate than -20 with sun and no wind. We have had a few of those bright crisp cold days lately, that make my winter experience thrilling. Walking on crunching snow is one of my favourite sounds. I guess I must be Canadian.

I was invited to visit friends in Florida, and kept looking to find a time to get away. It dawned on me now that it's February, that I'm procrastinating in part, because I don't want to leave and also because I'm not too fond of Florida. I like my friends very much, so it is no reflection on their hospitality. I'm just weird about winter. I keep thinking I'd like to go to Cuba sometime, or back to Columbia (which I loved), or to revisit Jamaica but I don't do it. I only think about it. I do have concerns about the heat. Lately, I have had such bizarre physical reactions to the heat that it makes me nervous going into it deliberately. I've even had to install air conditioning in the cottage to prevent getting sick in a heat wave. Knowing I have it, really relieves my anxiety. So
those are my reasons for staying put.

I have been invited to speak at a dear friend's first anniversary in AA. It is a true honour to do this because I know how difficult his journey has been. Sobriety, as a way of life, is the farthest thing from any alcoholic's mind. The first year is a struggle that I would never want to relive. My HP and the fear of losing my precious sobriety, has kept me sober *one day at a time* for 36 years. It has been a gift beyond any in my life, except the birth of Maya. Her birth would never have happened had I not walked into AA. The miracle of her arrival, following three miscarriages, was a direct result of my sobriety. So, I have much to be grateful for and it will be a joy to share that with D's AA Group.

As it happens, his First Anniversary is on March 15, my 71st Birthday. Without a shadow of a doubt, I can say that I would never have reached my 71st birthday without my 36 years of sobriety. It wasn't always a smooth trip and there were many painful moments in my life since February 19, 1975, because that's life - full of peaks and valleys. By living each 24 hours without my crutch of oblivion, I can say, each step of the journey was felt, experienced, and increased my consciousness. I am part of the world and I can have a hand in changing the world. I am responsible! I believe it's called maturity and I like it.

In sharing D's anniversary, I hope I can help some newcomers hang in there. There is hope and a good life awaiting them if they believe in the group's love, follow the collective experience in those AA rooms, and with the help of their HP come to believe in themselves.

Nowhere else in this life can I promise that things will get better.

Thank you D.

Pets and their people.

We are having a bout of illness here. First me, with that horrendous ear infection. Both ears completely blocked and aching. I had close to a month of being out of it from drugs, pain and deafness. Now Kathleen, my lodger, is ill with a vicious sinus infection. She missed several days at school and is sleeping round the clock. I've been making healthy soups and stir fries to keep up her strength. For the time being, Willy has escaped it. He had a really difficult time when I was deaf because I couldn't hear him and didn't respond appropriately. He chatters all the time and I respond but when I wasn't answering him he started to become withdrawn and mopey. When I returned to normal, Willy was wary, then jubilant. Another example of how sensitive our pets can be to our health and mood changes. Now he is disturbed by Kathleen being shut in her room. He sits and picks at her door but she doesn't respond. This troubles him. Sometimes he'll stand on his hind legs and rattle her door-nob. I call him away so he won't awaken her.

Much as I love cats, I draw the line at cat fisticuffs and caterwauling on my back deck. They are not even my cats. One huge white male belongs to a neighbour. He is a bully and Willy instinctively dislikes him. The other is a dark grey feral tabby. I have been leaving a bowl of kibble and water in a sheltered spot for the feral cat who is too shy to come out if I'm there. The white cat is well fed and should stay home but clearly has owners who put him out at night (even if it's freezing). The feral cat has nobody, and my food eases his rough life slightly. Tonight the bully showed up as the feral cat was feeding. There ensued such a territorial dispute, it was alarming. The white cat decided to launch an attack on the feral cat, who wanted to escape but was cornered. I seized a broom and intervened. They both ran off in different directions. The bully will go home and the feral lad will sneak back to eat his supper. Willy, inside, became over stimulated by all this and had to do his cushion to unwind.

Snow days are pure magic.

I'm retired, so I have no pressing or urgent need to be anywhere. I can work or not work at my own pace. Still, snow days are surprise presents from the sky and out of our control. They just happen and it's the randomness that makes a snow day such a welcome gift. We have all been given a get out of jail free card and we can relax without a schedule or guilt.

I love snow days! Kathleen, my lodger was called early in the morning - college closed - brilliant! Back to bed she went. I woke up to that wonderful silence that accompanies heavy snow falls. I looked out at the pristine unploughed world that is my garden and smiled with the recollected joy of my childhood. Yay it's a *snow day*.

I canceled my podiatrist appointment and spent the day in my jammies. I read, wrote birthday cards, played on my computer and briefly went outside in big tall boots, over my pants, to smell the air.

Willy, my adventurous cat tried gingerly high stepping it over the snow. No, not so good, so he walked all around my deck banister and over my window sill to get back inside. I took some winter photos and came in as well.

We ended the day with a good supper and a relaxing fire in the fireplace. Kathleen, Willy and I had a perfect winter day. We were blessed with a lot of snow. Sigh.

We are not amused #**+&##X!

As some of you may know, I've been having ear trouble for a while. Most recently I developed swimmers ear in the right ear. So I've had vertigo in my left ear and an infection in the right one. Life is never that simple and over the past two weeks things have grown steadily worse. The infection spread to both ears and I was going mad with pain and blockages. I sought medical advice and from there things got really serious.

Yesterday I went to see the Nurse Practitioner and she referred me to an Ear, Nose and Throat Doctor who saw me this morning 9:30. Apparently, I have a fungal infection exacerbated by a severe allergic reaction to the Polysporen ear drops I used for Swimmers' Ear. This had caused my ear canals to swell up and close completely. I now know what it feels like to be totally deaf. Thoughts of a spring arriving without birdsong really upset me. I like sound and a truly silent world terrifies me.

As well, the ears began to ooze lymph in an attempt to heal themselves. The ensuing itching and pain has been impressive. The nurse practitioner put me on antibiotics and Prednisone (steroids) yesterday to reverse the hearing damage and these are making me ill. Yikes!!! But the steroids went to work immediately. The improvement was measurable. No wonder athletes like steroids: they speed up the healing process.

Warning: some of the following information may be too graphic for young children and squeamish adults. If this is you, stop reading.

The ear doctor picked up a motorized suction tube and vacuumed out both ears to remove the gunk from the oozing that clogged the ear canals. It was not enjoyable. In fact one could describe it as painful. But it did clear the the canals enough to hear again. He was the nicest Grenadian man who kept speaking so gently while engaging in these Nazi interrogation techniques. Had I known any secrets at all, I would surely have spilled the beans completely. Instead, I was reduced to a whimpering ninny with gratitude when the Hoovering stopped.

He then gave me yet another prescription for drops, booked another appointment and sent me home in better shape than when I arrived. I can hear for the first time in four days.

My pharmacist, who has been living my adventure with me, (I've seen him so often this past week) said he was at a seminar about allergies recently where Polysporin was identified as a new allergy danger. The rate of allergic reactions in Canada is now around 9% and climbing. So think twice before self prescribing. The drops may help with a bacterial infection, but can cause serious damage for a fungal infection and there is no way to know what kind of infection you have without a doctor taking a peek. I started the drops a week ago last Monday at my doctor's suggestion. I never had a reaction before, so he can't be blamed. My ears got progressively worse and I stopped the drops, but too late. The damage was done.

You may now resume reading and the children can come back into the room.

To add to my frustration, I had taken my computer to Micro Age last Thursday for a minor repair, and then was too sick to pick it up again. So I spent four days computer-less and unable to listen to the radio, or watch TV. I just read a lot instead. I'm not out of the woods yet. The healing process will take time.

Oh and to add to my delights, the furnace conked out last night and the emergency repairman came out to fix it at 4:00 A.M. Bless him. He was good natured about it too. He laboured hard to saw a chunk off the air intake pipe because it was plugged solid with ice. That accomplished, he got the furnace running again and left two hours later. The house is toasty and warm again and I'm very grateful. To keep the house from freezing I had two heaters going upstairs, the oven in the kitchen, the electric fireplace in the living room and the wood fire roaring in the den. Kathleen slept through it all and mentioned today that she heard strange noises in the night. She knew I was ill so it couldn't have been me. It must have been someone outside who was building something. Funny as this may be, in summing up my situation, I say...

We are not amused.

P.S. On the upside, I have my computer back and am catching up on life.

Being Ms. Right

I am saddened by some of my women friends who still believe that they need to find a partner in order to be complete. Perfectly bright and interesting women who appear to be living independent lives full of challenges and successes have a secret void deep inside them. They are still searching for the perfect mate to fill that void.

I understand their dilemma because I am periodically gripped by the same illness. It is an illness because while I am in its grip I see myself as less than I truly am. I never like myself very much when I'm accommodating a man. I change and become a throwback to a person who plays at being weaker than I am. I become more self-effacing and girly, and I spend more time looking at myself, worrying about wrinkles, fat, hair styles and appearances generally. It's a bore and I don't like it. I don't like that me.

It rarely happens anymore because I came to understand that I have health issues I wouldn't wish on any new partner. Most men like to be taken care of and I need to conserve my energy to take care of me. My life depends on it and it's a full time job. I have also really come to enjoy my space, my quiet times, the habitat I created and my lifestyle. I'm really fortunate to be where I am with the friends I have and I don't want to rock the boat. The most recent case of man crazyness was with Ray and that ended five years ago. I gave so much of myself away to him, there was little left for me. He needed a lot of material care and I needed a lot of emotional care - a perfect match. Many older women get into this kind of a situation and the men bleed them dry. Ray, was emotionally remote and couldn't love me the way I needed. It became a terrible obsession. Ray is a very honourable and principled man who became as unhappy as I, with the situation. He broke the obsession by leaving town for a year. It was the kindest and noblest thing he could do for us both.

I recovered my sanity and my self respect and by the time we saw each other again we were healed. Now we are good friends who respect each other, amuse each other and really like one another. I like Ray much more now than I ever loved him before. We are ourselves in each other's company and it has taught me much. I like me and thus he likes me. I like him because he likes himself. We are no longer playing roles and causing each other pain.

Not every man holds Ray's values. Many are only too happy to exploit the yearnings of old women. It never ends well for the women. We have been raised on "romantic love" ideology, taught to nurture others from an early age, and groomed to be attractive and seductive. We learn from an early age to seduce, attract and appeal. Little training time is devoted to self-realization. Maturity is seen as synonymous with loss of sexuality in this culture. So, is it any wonder that we have no idea who we are, or what our role is once we grow old? If women are very lucky, they will have a life of the mind, of creative achievement, or of professional success. They will have positive roles in their families or in their social groups. Some are lucky enough to just slip into aging without the usual insecurities. The new sexy for an old woman is self realization and independence. Her audience should be her friends, peers and community and her best lover must be herself.

Some may say I've given up the search for Mr. Right but I say I've just moved on. I'm content to be Ms Right for myself these days and the best I can be for my friends.

Short Sharp Science: Bat camp: orphaned critters nursed back to health

Short Sharp Science: Bat camp: orphaned critters nursed back to health

This is a very sad story but possibly the cutest picture ever.

As January speeds by, the days grow longer!

It's already the middle of January. What have I done so far in the New Year? It seems like yesterday that I returned with Willy from London after a splendid Christmas and New Year holiday. Much food was consumed, friends were visited and a new futon was purchased for the Living Room. Since it was my bed at night, I decided by mid visit that I would not survive the very flat and lumpy old mattress. It had served Maya well for many years, but its time was up. The new one was delivered on the same day it was bought and I slept well at last. It's also a very good quality mattress, upholstered in a beautiful fabric that was made for Maya and Glenn's room.

I spent my Christmas Day with Glenn's family and it was very pleasant. Last year we didn't know each other, and were all a bit more formal. This year we were so relaxed, we all fell asleep together in their living room after dinner. Maya came into the room to find Christine, Geoff (Glenn's ) parents, his grandmother, sister Gillian and me all nodding away on couches and chairs. Even the dog was asleep. Glenn fell asleep in the sun room, leaving Maya the only one awake. Now that's relaxed! To some perhaps, too relaxed but what do they know. We all awakened refreshed and resumed our conversations. It was a scene from the Dylan Thomas classic, "A Child's Christmas in Wales".

Meanwhile, Willy was having a jolly holiday with his cousins, Maya and Glenn's three cats. They spent ten days following each other, wrestling, running up and down stairs, looking out of windows, eating together and occasionally sleeping. Christmas wrapping paper, empty boxes, ribbons and cat toys were a source of great entertainment for all. Once we came home Willy slept for three days straight as did his cousins back in London.

It is a jolly little family. Maya and Glenn are well matched in that they bring out so much good in each other. They also reflect each others negative moods which could be a problem. Both have a depressive aspect to their personalities which must be acknowledged and dealt with. The danger is that one or the other may not detach enough to take the high road. I'm a worrier and need to detach myself. They have to sort out their own lives and take the positive steps needed to grow together in a healthy and productive manner. They are both intelligent, creative and sensitive people who love each other. With respect and courage and good will, they will do well.

I came back to resume my physio-therapy and vertigo therapy. I registered for another term of ceramics and a workshop in digital photography. I started sorting out my stuff for income tax preparation, paid some bills and am getting my house in order for 2011. We have 2 more months of winter ahead of us but I take comfort from the days lengthening. Yes the sun is setting later and it won't be long until the spring is apparent. My positive outlook is coming back.
"Life is a cabaret, old chum..." at least sometimes.